How I found myself loved, respected, and maybe even revered... a tale of extraordinary transformation, from hated smart know-it-all to lovedI used to be smart. At all cost. In fact smarter, that would be more precise to say. Smarter than you, him, them... ;-)
You see, it almost didn"t matter whether I was happy, rich, pretty, healthy, as long as I could be smarter than you.
Most people hated me, and I had few if any friends.
Since my vibration rose to where it"s at today, I have had no issues, people actually like me, most of them anyway.
Recently I had a curious phenomenon happening to me.
I have shared that I am taking a class. We are sorted into groups, and the group meets every week. My previous experiences of being in a group were horrible: I was beaten up regularly, it was painful. Always.
This time my experience is the exact opposite: people thank me for my contribution. Wow, what happened? I have been waiting for the other shoe to drop, but it hasn"t. Until this morning I had no idea what changed.
This morning I watched a commencement address at Georgetown University on video. The address was lousy, boring, didn"t address anyone in particular, and if I hadn"t been participating in Landmark for 27 years, it would have made no sense to me. Then I saw an email of someone in my class rave about the address, and I got really angry.
I started to say insulting things in my head about their lack of ability to discern what is good and what is not. In my internal monologue they were stupid and I was smart, much smarter than them. And it felt horrible. The pain in my chest was unbearable, it was hard to breathe, I was miserable. And I had an insight:
When I am right about how they are, when I am smarter than them, I am miserable and caught up in a self-righteousness trap. I used to be like that all the time. Judgmental, always implying that I am better.
But the interesting thing is that it wasn"t the words I used, but the attitude of having to be smarter, and them having to be stupider, for me to be smarter. Does this make sense?
In the recent conversations with my group this wasn"t happening, in my classes it doesn"t happen, with my friend it doesn"t happen, with my family it doesn"t happen.
I did some thinking and this is what I"ve come up with: some 62 years ago I got into trouble for being not smart enough. I got hurt. A whole lifetime of drama got its start in that incident. It makes sense (MIND!) to fix that issue by being smart.
That smart/stupid issue acted like a nail that was driven through my right foot my whole life. I could not just enjoy conversations, because I had to be smart, in fact smarter than them. I sought the company of people who I thought less smart than me, so I can be smarter. When I was an architect (17 years!) there was not a day when I didn"t wonder if I was talented enough. I was trapped, I was miserable, and there seemed to be no escape: it was like a machine that churned me whether I liked it or not.
Until about a year ago. What happened a year ago?
Two things, in fact.
1. I recovered broken off fragments of my soul? Self? I am not sure, because I am still not sure where the dividing line is between my soul and my Self... But regardless, I followed someone"s instructions not through what they said, but what they did, just like when I connected just as Vianna did, not the way she said... and I managed to find many broken off fragments. ((I created a whole course on this, the Activate Divinity course)) Too many... I did live a life of abuse. I cannot say I had nothing to do with it... in fact I think I caused most if not all of it... but that is how the machine works.
2. And once I was done with that, I started to experiment with an activator of Unconditional Love...
That was the very first activator I tried my hands on, and because I didn"t know if it would work, or how, I needed test subjects.
Nancy was the first.
I downloaded the Unconditional Love Activator into myself while I activated my friend, Nancy, who was a pioneer.
Nancy was a great tester. And her grandson got everything Nancy got, through the genetic upline channel, which I call history channel.
The most remarkable thing that happened as a result of the Unconditional Love Activator, happened to the grandson: he voluntarily stopped throwing temper tantrums and using rude words...
...and I stopped having to be so darn smart! That activator pulled the nail out of the floor board, tha nail I danced around (concern) and now my life could move instead of just dancing around being smart/making others feel stupid.
The most surprising thing is that today it"s OK for me to be smart, no one hates me for it. Except one person who, it seems has that same concern: having to be smart. ((In the East (India mainly) they say that there is no one but you. This doesn"t make much sense, but this guy proves it famously.
This guy hates me every time I open my mouth and sound smart. Is his hatred about me, or is this hatred about him?
My guess is that he has this same smart/stupid machine like I do. Every time I say something "smart" he thinks that what I am saying is that he is not smart. What I am trying to say here, that his upset is always about him, his hatred of me is about him, never about me.))
Until you free yourself of having to be in a certain way to fix yourself, you"ll see everything through that "wrong you are trying to fix." You"ll see everything in that skewed way: everything is about your issue, and it seems that the world is trying to prove or disprove to you what you are afraid of. And you will be miserable.
One of my students, for example, has anguish arise in her chest every time I praise someone on a webinar. In her world, inside her machine, it"s either she is the star, the best, the one noticed, or she is nothing. And in her machine there is only one way to survive: by being the best. A horrible trap, if you ask me, but not more horrible than my smart/stupid trap. Exactly as horrible.
A friend of mine has glee arise in her chest, and laughs raucously, every time I say someone is not as smart as they think... It is the same machine.
Some people"s machine is about significance/insignificance, some others" about being worthy/unworthy, being special/not special, belonging/not fitting in, or being different/being ordinary, being this or that, a binary structure, black or white.
Every machine is designed to fix something unfixable. What holds the machine together, what keeps the machine churning is an un-reality, an un-truth.
I was never stupid, you never not belonged, you were never unworthy, different, a killer, stuck, or whatever you made up when you were 3-4-5 years old. Something that is not real cannot be fixed. Fixing the shadow of something won"t fix the thing... ((I teach everything I can about telling reality and unreality apart in my Playground course))
There is no person who isn"t caught up in a machine like this.
And everything that happens to you happens inside that context. You get to be someone who cannot learn. You get cancer. your husband leaves you for a younger woman. You are asked for a date. You are trying to figure out what you like and what you should do with your life. Your water isn"t energizing. You misses your thesis deadline. Everything.
Until you get yourself reasonably free from the machine (I am about 70% free, just muscle tested it) all your efforts to carve out a meaningful life are futile.
Lots of people ask me: what is my soul purpose? No matter what I answer, until you can get out of the machine, you are not even interested. It"s the machine that is asking that question, not you.
So how do you get out of the machine?
Fastest way I know is using the Unconditional Love Activator for 40 days. It"s a video recording. In addition, to make it more effective, I am downloading it now five times a week on live meditation calls to those that have purchased the Unconditional Love Activator.
It"s inexpensive, so that most people can afford it. Still about 40% that buy it never use it.
Why? Because your machine has given you your identity. People experience fear of what their life will look like once they are set free. It"s a valid fear.
Luckily the changes come so slowly, so imperceptibly, that you are be able to smooth into your new life. The life won"t change, but you will have freedom, peace of mind, and silence. Heaven. Inside.
The outside never mattered anyway.
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